bronze_rose

Since my sister died, things have just slowly fallen apart. I miss her terribly. She left behind a good husband and 4 great kids. The youngest is almost 17, and the only one left at home. He's having a really rough time with this, and chooses not to deal with it at all. Now it appears that he's going to come and live with me. I really don't think I can handle that. It's not that he's a bad kid, because he's not. But I'm a single parent with 2 teenagers at home already. One is 17 and the other will soon be 16. I work 2 jobs and still can't make ends meet. Emotionally, I'm not sure I can do this. I'm still grieving over the loss of my brother, and then my sister. I'm still trying to come to terms with a divorce I didn't want.

And yet... I want to do what's best for my nephew. Everything inside me feels like this just isn't good for me or my kids. I've spent much time in prayer over this, asking God to show me His will in this situation. I don't feel a sense of peace about it. And yet in some ways, I feel like I don't have much choice, like the choice has already been made for me. And then there's a part of me that says, "what the hell... it's not like I have much of a life anyway." All I do is work and take care of the kids. It's not like I have a prospect for any kind of a life soon either.

I hate the fact that in my family everything falls on my shoulders. I'm the one everyone turns to for the answers. I'm the one who takes on what nobody else is willing to do. In some ways, I can't wait until the kids are out of school and on their own. I want to be free of all the responsibilities. I want to run away to some remote island somewhere... a place where nobody can bother me anymore. And yet, I know that when they're gone I'll be more lonely than ever. It's small consolation that I have grandchildren. They live so far away. I want someone else to take over my life. Maybe they'll do a better job with it.